Really messing with telemarketers' heads

It gets even better.

Phone rang this morning. Foreign, probably Hispanic, accent (possibly the "Mike Salazar" mentioned by victims of these scammers).

"Carpet cleaners."

I said, "What, again?"

He wanted to know if his guy showed up.

I said, "Today?"

He said, "No, yesterday."

I said "Not today," and hung up. (It's true. He didn't show up today. Today, he's probably wearing an orange jumpsuit and can't use his cell phone to call his masters).

After that, they kept calling. I kept neglecting to pick up the phone. I imagine they went into a panic and started calling hospitals, maybe even... the police. "Hello, Police Department? Somebody stole one of our ripoff specialists. Do you have him, by any chance?"

My reading: the cops put him on ice so fast, he couldn't communicate with the home office. They have no idea what happened to him. They have no idea that the car (somebody's car, not the alien driving it, who can't register a car in California anyway) is parked out in front, abandoned. I want that situation to continue long enough for it to be towed by the city as an abandoned vehicle, increasing their expense for this little adventure even more.

Somebody, somewhere, is missing a BMW.

And some carpet cleaning scammer has had zero income from this particular unit and operator since about a quarter to 1 yesterday.

In the words of Animal House's "Flounder," "Oh, boy, this is going to be great!"

Update. Somebody came and took away the BMW late today. I have no idea who, but I derive perverse pleasure from thinking of one scammer spending the night in the slammer before somebody bailed him out. And I hope they wrote him up for no business license. I hope whoever bailed him out had to buy one of those too, on the spot. That means they had to show ID and proof of an address. And they lost all scam income from Friday afternoon and all day Saturday from this one unit, and somebody had to come down from The Valley, nearly 60 miles away, to pick him and the car up.

And I wonder if the police went through all the papers they took out of his car, to see who else got scammed on Friday before he showed up here. The local fraud squad should have all sorts of stuff to go on by now.

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July 11, 2008

Messing up telemarketers even more

Well, it's been more than two months since I wrote of my adventures with the Tel Aviv branch (very far western subsidiary) of Carpet Cleaners Anonymous (see below). I figured that would be the last I see of them. But then again, two months ago I wrote "One thing about telemarketers, they're greedy, larcenous bastards and they'll flog that horse until they're sure they got out all the money that's to be gotten." How very prophetic. They're also not smart enough to steer clear of trouble after they've been warned, on the premises, not once but twice. (That, or they're masochists). Guess who called again to set up a carpet cleaning appointment. Yup. Same outfit. Same MO. Calls itself "Carpet Care." First a prerecorded (blatantly illegal) call. Then a human operator. Who gives you a completely different number to call if you should have to break your carpet cleaning appointment. This time around, for the benefit of the Internet search engines and other people who may need to pursue these scammers, the number I was given was 888-874-9456. Good luck with that, pilgrims...

On a hunch that this would be a repeat, a couple of days ago, I called Immigration. They're not interested (that is, in fairness, they're probably way shorthanded as it is), unless an illegal is committing felonies.

So the "cleaner" shows up. Different guy from last time. This time driving a scruffy black BMW wagon with blacked-out windows. The usual, supermarket-rental-grade "steam cleaner" rig in the back of the wagon. He was early, so following my own advice, I laid low and phoned the local police. Same routine. Two cars descended on him. Different ones this time. He started shuckin' an' jivin.' (Cops hate when they do that). "Are you gaming me?" Refused to give the name or address of his employer. Cop said "I can tell you who I work for, and where I work -- who do you work for?" He was getting nowhere, as I had predicted when I first talked to the officer. (I also said, "Let me guess, Israeli passport?" Yup). I could see he was getting steamed. It's not good to steam cops.

Anyway, it appears that we have a repeat here:  (stop me if you've heard this before...)

• Israeli passport
  • No green card
  • No work visa
• No driver's license
• No business license
• No identifiable company name, address, location

Well, Cupcake here claimed he's only been in the country three months. (What, they don't have carpets in Tel Aviv? I'm sure there's plenty in Iran, though, maybe they can go there and clean them). And, if I heard the exchange correctly, he had already been issued a ticket for driving around without a valid California driver's license. (Why not arrested? Well, cops usually don't want to bother hassling tourists, if tourists they are; too much trouble to make them show up in court -- unless they're sorely provoked).

So, I don't know what they got him on -- no business license, or no driver's license, or outstanding warrants on the traffic ticket or continuing to drive after he was told he's not allowed to, or because nobody from this outfit showed up in court for the previous business license citation two months ago -- but the upshot was, he went away in handcuffs in the back of a patrol car. Yes!!!

So I've got an abandoned BMW wagon in front of my house. Maybe the city will come back and impound that too. I can only hope.

Here's the pretty pictures. Again for the search engines, that's California license plate 5YWU523 ... And a number that appears on their no-address paperwork is 888-656-5789

Anyway, if I suddenly disappear, blame the Mossad. Have to remember... first chamber is empty, first chamber is empty... pull twice...

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May 8, 2008

How to really mess up a telemarketer

Michael Covington came up with a couple of great lines to shut up a telemarketer.

Problem is, they have thick skins, they don't care, and they're happy to have an unproductive call identified as such quickly, so they can move on to the next mark. I have a more labor-intensive technique that causes them much more anguish.

A couple of months ago, I was getting tape-recorded [that's just plain illegal, right there -- see 47 USC § 227 (b)(1)(B)] calls from an outfit simply identifying itself as "Carpet Care." No entry in the phone book, not registered as a corporation with the California Secretary of State.

So, when the next call came, and the annoyingly bubbly voice (perky people tick me off) on the tape said to press "1", I pressed "1." And set up an appointment. Sure. Waste their time like they wasted mine. At some point, you have to regard this as a sport, just as duck hunters don't mind the cost, effort, cold water, etc. involved in hunting waterfowl; otherwise you might as well cut your losses and hang up early.

I was waiting for them, with my notebook computer out in the garage, on Wi-Fi, already set to the Secretary of State's Business Portal. I had a phone book out so they could show me which of the firms was theirs. Important point: I was waiting for them outside, in the garage, not at the front door. I had no intention of letting these people into the house, under any circumstances.

So their "carpet cleaners" came by. Now, most carpet cleaners show up with a large van that houses all their equipment, the power-operated machinery, long thick hoses, clean and gray water tanks, etc. These guys showed up with a tiny Ford Explorer. No company name on the door, nothing. In the back was a tiny "carpet cleaning machine" like the kind you rent at the supermarket, and a couple of gallon jugs of chemicals -- like you buy at the supermarket.

They refused to give the name of their company. Their "work order form" was preprinted but had no company name, no address, and only an 800 number as contact. I asked for a business license. They wouldn't produce one. The apparent leader whipped out his cell phone and called his boss and had me talk to him. Guy with a Middle Eastern accent. "I could geef you hunnert names, you not know if any true." I said not to worry, I could find out. I said if they were honest with me, they could clean my carpets. Guy on the scene says "Well, can we see the carpets?" No. So they took off.

I tracked down some info on these clowns on the Internet. It's a scam operation. They rip off people. One callback number I was given, in case I needed to cancel an appointment (866-519-2650 -- for the benefit of anybody googling for these dirtballs) turned up some interesting complaints (one of those is my own entry). For the record and the search engines, other numbers given include 888-533-8002 and 888-845-8684. That complaint led to this charming profile of one of their operators.

End of story? No. A few weeks later they called again. Same tape. Same pitch. So I said "Sure! Come on down!"  They didn't show up. I figured they must have gotten wise and realized they had been here before. But then, a few days after their missed appointment, I got another call. (One thing about telemarketers, they're greedy, larcenous bastards and they'll flog that horse until they're sure they got out all the money that's to be gotten). It seems they called ahead and nobody picked up to confirm I'd be here, so they didn't come out. I said if I set an appointment I was here, either I was in the back yard or garage and didn't hear the call. So they came out again. This time I had something better planned for them -- a talk with the local police. I was on the phone to the local PD before their truck's wheels stopped turning. Within minutes of yet another Ford Explorer with minimal equipment showing up (this time with only one "operator"), two patrol cars descended on the scene. Asked to see ID, driver's license, business license. Guess what -- here's what they found:

• Israeli passport.
  • No work visa.
  • No green card.
• No driver's license.
• No business license.
• No identifiable company name, address, or location.

(I never got a name so I'm not sure if this was the "Ohad Gibli" mentioned in the profile above; given all their accents, it's probably a ring of illegals).

Again, the operator whipped out his cell phone and called his master. I didn't hear all of the conversation but it's never a good sign when the cop (with, in view of the particulars of the case, the satisfyingly Germanic name of Sgt. Hartmann -- yes, just like R. Lee Ermey's role in "Full Metal Jacket") starts yelling into the phone "Are you going to answer my question or not? Do you have a business license?"

They issued a citation for conducting business without a license. My understanding is that when (if) they show up for court, they have to not only pay a fine, but also get a business license. Not cheap. I hope that even if they skip out on the court date, at least they're now appearing on the radar of officialdom. They couldn't write him up for driving without a license, because they didn't actually see him drive, but by the same token they wouldn't let him drive it away either. And as far as I'm concerned he should have been arrested and turned over to our blessed Department of Homeland Security for immigration or visa violations, but we all know how that system is broken in this country and the cop said as much. The operator hoofed it out of the residential neighborhood. (I said to the cops, "He's probably going to walk around a bit until you're gone, then come back and just drive away." Cop says "Yup, that's why we're going to cruise around for a while to see if we can catch him at it." It helps that I live about half a mile from the main police station). Two hours later he showed up with an obviously American kid who got behind the wheel. Probably somebody he found at the nearest video arcade and paid to drive him beyond the city limits. This operation is apparently based on the other side of LA, 50 miles away in Beverly Hills or thereabouts.

And THAT'S how you waste a telemarketer's time, and money, but good.

If you're less confrontational, at the very least set up an appointment or do whatever else to sucker them in, short of giving them money or a credit card number. Then, rig for silent running and simply don't open the door. Lead them on. They will use a cell phone to call you from out in front of your home. Don't answer. When they call back afterwards to find out why you weren't home, have them come out again -- and stonewall them again. Most of us have been conditioned to be polite to strangers, to be honest about setting up appointments, and the like. With telemarketers / scammers, you have to break that conditioning and be as rude and deceitful as they are. By law, until money changes hands, you do not have a contract, and you owe them nothing. If everybody did this with every solicitation, telemarketers and scammers like these carpet cleaners would go broke because of the small return on their time investment. (I also send back any unwanted mail solicitations that have prepaid response envelopes -- stuffed with supermarket sale flyers, coupons, other companies' offers, etc.)